Wish you were here…
by Snow White'84
Summary: *Note: No romance* Johnny & Dally lost their lives nearly 1 year ago. The gang mourned for their two friends, but it had hit Ponyboy the most since his best buddy Johnny died. So most of the time Pony wandered alone through the neighborhood or sometimes
1. Your happiness means a lot to me…

**Wish you were here...**

I'm not sure if the comma use of the story is always right.  
I've got quite a few problems with it...  
And I guess with the grammar, as well. Let alone the language.  
So, if you find any mistakes, please let me know :)  
I'm sorry for my probably bad english, it isn't my native language...

* * *

This story is set after the events in the book.  
That's my first story I've written in POV's 

The whole story's in Pony's POV (2 exceptions)  
Sorry, if they're perhaps OOC

I don't own 'The Outsiders', they belong to S. E. Hinton; everyone else you don't recognize  
belongs to me :)

* * *

Johnny and Dally lost their lives nearly one year ago.  
The gang mourned for their both good friends, but it had hit Ponyboy the most since his best buddy Johnny died.  
So most of the time Pony wandered alone through the neighborhood or sometimes he did something with Curly Shepard, who was discharged again from the reformatory in the meantime - much to Darry's annoyance.  
But Darry knew that Pony only searched for a (new) grip in his life, that's why he tolerated it although he would have wanted by far a safer company for Pony. 

**1. Your happiness means a lot to me…**

Soda's POV

It was already a quite cool evening in the late summer on a Friday.  
I had finished my shift at the gas station half an hour ago and was now sitting in front of the TV and switched through the channels.  
There wasn't nothing interesting on though.  
I was bored but it was just half past 6, so I still had to wait a bit until Steve would drop in and we're gonna go out.

Suddenly I heard as a door slammed.  
That ain't a rare sound in this house, also even not after... the accident.  
I turned around and saw Ponyboy.

"Hey Pony! Where ya wanna go to?" I asked my younger brother, who was coming from our common bedroom with a brown leather jacket.

_Dally's jacket..._, came to my mind when I looked at my brother interrogatively.

"I don't know exactly yet. Maybe I'm gonna go to the movies. I shall see..." Ponyboy answered with a shrug.

I nodded.

I don't like it very much when my brother's away all by himself.  
It can happen so much to him.  
The Socs ain't become reasonable since the events by any means.  
They still like to jump us greasers like in former times.  
And they're especially after such apparently weak greaser like Pony.

In former times Johnny was very often with him at least, but Johnny ain't here any longer.  
And since that time Pony often hangs around with Curly; a not very harmless company.  
Darry doesn't like that at all and tries to talk Pony out of the friendship with Curly.  
But there he didn't expect Pony's stubbornness!

The two get along with each other a bit better though - what they maybe do for my sake, I don't know - but they still clash quite often.  
One of the problematical topics is and remains Pony's grades - which ain't bad of course - but Darry only wishes that Ponyboy's gonna be something.  
Pony's supposed to come out of that neighborhood one day and that's why Darry's behind like that that Pony studies good and that his tests always turn out well. Pony's supposed to have it better some day than we – than Darry.

And Darry wanna that Pony stays out of trouble.  
But exactly there's the problem, because with Curly Pony can get into great trouble, which maybe could be even worse than the one he and Johnny got into, and which cost Johnny's life in the end. Damn it, also Dally's life...

That's why I meant to Pony, "Ya really wanna go alone? Shall I perhaps come along with ya?"

Pony smiled.  
It was one of the warm smiles that became rare more and more in the meantime.  
I miss that sort of smile.  
They suit my brother so well and they make him to a really sweet person.  
But since Dally's and Johnny's death they became rare more and more.  
There was a time, where he didn't smile at all.

There his face was only a mask that he put on; a mask of defiance, bitterness, rage and hate. There he had a frightened resemblance to Dally, which face had reflected so much hate.  
But that mask served also as protection.  
It was a protection that should protect from the hidden grief, guilt, pain, fear and despair.  
No one should get what was about Pony; how he really was feeling.

But when he finished his essay he gave it to us, so that we should read it.  
And there we realized that he only pretended he was fine; that he actually nearly broke at the loss of his best buddy. And from that moment on he knew that we understood him or at least tried to understand him.  
We helped him to cope with the grief and also our grief seemed to go down at the same time.  
We need each other and we also wanna stick together.  
We're brothers and very good friends after all.

Pony replied, "Nah, Soda, ya don't need to. I know that ya wanna go out with Steve and you're probably gonna meet there a few nice girls. There ya don't need me with that. But it was nice of ya, thanks…"

As I said, Ponyboy's stubborn...

"Ya know I would like to do it when..."  
And promptly I was interrupted by Pony, "Never mind, Soda. Steve definitely would mind when ya go with me to the movies and he has to come along, too. He can't stand me!"

Why does he actually always think that Steve couldn't stand him, yeah, even something like hating him?  
I just don't get that.  
Ok, Steve behaves himself a bit reserved towards Pony, but do you already have to talk about _hate_ there?  
Steve's just like that.  
He doesn't show his feelings.  
That's just the way he is.  
He's a greaser through and through and a greaser simply doesn't show his feelings.  
There he's so completely different from Ponyboy.

"Aw, Pony, this ain't right at all. Steve likes ya; you're my brother." I tried to make that understandable to Ponyboy.

Pony snorted contemptuously and meant, "Yeah, of course, and that's why he regards me as a tag-along! But there he only accepts me, 'cause I'm ya brother. Only for that reason! He doesn't like me..."  
And Pony gave me a meaningful glance.

"Pony, I..."

"No, Soda, it's all right! Go out with Steve and have fun. I'm gonna go alone. I don't wanna spoil ya fun. And if I'm goin' alone I have time to think at least."

_But ya already think alone far too much and that worries me_, I thought, but I didn't say it.  
I suggested instead, "Shall I perhaps ask Two-Bit if he wanna go with ya? Ya know he likes ya."

I simply wouldn't that he goes somewhere by himself.  
He shouldn't get into trouble again.  
And as I know that Two-Bit really likes Pony and also worries about him and cares for him, I thought that he probably would have came along with him for that reason.  
He also wanna prevent that something happens to Pony or we're gonna lose another member of our gang.

"Soda! Yeah, I know he likes me and I like him, too, but please... don't worry so much 'bout me, I'm doin' ok. I'm used to it in the meantime to go out alone..." Pony replied and for a short moment that hurt and mourned expression turned up on his face again, but it disappeared short time later again.

_Yeah, and we all know very well how this ended at the last time when ya were out alone: ya were jumped by the Socs. Great! Ya perhaps wanna risk that again?  
__Why don't ya understand that I worry about ya? I don't wanna lose ya, too..._

I sighed.  
How should I make it clear to Pony that it would be better to have someone with himself?  
Someone, who is a better company than Shepard.

But before I could say something Pony cut me short, "I'm gonna go now. Goodbye, Soda. See ya later."

And Pony already turned towards the front door and walked outside.

"Pony..."

I was left behind.


	2. Still I’m sad

**2. Still I'm sad**

Pony's POV

When I stepped out of the front door the fresh evening air came towards me.  
I inhaled it deeply and smiled shortly.  
But when I remembered the talk with Soda my smile vanished again.

Why can't he and also the others just see that I don't need nobody to keep an eye on me?  
I don't need their company, because they do this out of pity anyway and I don't need their pity!

I don't mind to have the gang around me.  
Sometimes I really need them around me to feel not completely lonely.  
When they're here I know that I'm not alone.  
There's still someone, who cares for me; I does matter to them, I mean something to them, someone who loves me, who I love, who means something to me...

But they think that they would do me any good with their company though.  
I know they all only wanna help me and I also ain't ungrateful but very glad about it.  
But they just can't take the grief about Johnny and also Dally from me.  
This just ain't possible.  
I have to defeat it by myself, they can't help me.  
Nobody's able to do that!

Aw Johnny! I miss ya so much. Oh, how I wish ya still were here! I miss ya...

There a fresh wind arose and was blowing around my hair, which already was grown back a little but it's still bleached - but my natural hair color slowly comes out again.

I shivered and there I noticed that I still was standing in front of my house.  
Did I really just stare the whole time into the sky?

I shook my head, wrapped the leather jacket – Dally's jacket, which I wear nearly all the time since the 'accident' happened – a bit tighter around me and set off to watch the movies, although I really wasn't in the mood for that today.  
But I didn't know what to do otherwise.

I really wouldn't have thought that it already was that cold; a reliable sign that the autumn wouldn't be very far away once again.

I lit a cigarette to warm myself up a bit from inside.

I also passed the lot on my way to the movies.

The lot – Johnny's second - real - home!

Damn it, there are so much places here in Tulsa that constantly remind me of Dally and Johnny.  
And the lot was one of these places where the memories of the both – above all of Johnny – come up the most.

I slowed down my step and then stopped completely.  
With shaking hands I led the cigarette to my mouth, took a strong drag on it and kept the smoke a moment inside me before I blew it out again while I viewed the vacant lot.

And for a moment I really thought a boy would appear out of the bushes and come towards me.  
A boy with a nervous look and with black hair, which hung in streaks in his face, so that it constantly fell in his dark and fearful eyes.  
A boy, who believed that his life was worth less than the lives of the kids, which he had saved.  
A boy, who wasn't loved by his folks; beat up by his dad, despised by his mom.  
A boy, who didn't turn - in spite of everything - tough and full of hate but remained sensitive and shy. A boy, who has killed someone in self-defense only to save me...  
A boy, who died, because he would save a life once more.  
A boy, who saved life but lost his own at the same time.  
A boy, who would kill himself.  
A boy, who merely was 16 years old.  
A boy – my buddy, my best buddy: Johnny!

I nearly could see Johnny coming towards me, greeting me shyly in his way and asking me for a cigarette and asking what I would have intended to do.

I shook my head and closed my eyes, so that this illusion disappeared again.

Did I seriously believe that Johnny could stand alive in front of me?  
Could I really still believe that after all what has happened?  
Was I actually still that confused and despaired about it that I still couldn't or wouldn't think it's true?

I stood there some time with closed eyes and concentrated on a regular breathing and listened to the soft wind that rushed in the trees nearby.  
I wasn't aware in this moment that I would have been an easy victim if a few Socs would have passed and jumped me.

Finally I opened my eyes again, sighed, cast a last glance at the lot and was about to go again when I heard a rustle and steps behind me.  
I was scared and turned around quickly.  
Just in that moment I realized that it could be some Socs. And I would be here all by myself...

_Do I carry a switchblade with me? How many of them will there probably be?_, I thought when I turned around.


	3. Still waters run deep…

**3. Still waters run deep...**

Pony's POV

But there were no Socs standing in front of me but a little girl. She was maybe 10 or 11, at best 12 years old.

The girl, who had curly dark blond hair up to her shoulders, smiled at me and asked, "Hey, what's ya name?"

"Ponyboy." I answered her.

The girl nodded and said, "I'm Claudia. Claudia Jackson."

I looked at her estimating a moment before I asked, "Are ya new here? Anyhow, I haven't ever seen ya here around."

The girl nodded again and replied, "Yeah, I'm not from here."

I already would keep on asking where she was from but I noticed that she apparently wasn't willing to tell me yet.  
That's why I left it and asked her instead, "What are ya doin' out here all alone?"

"I don't know, but I guess I do the same as ya here." Claudia shrugged, walked to the old bench and sat down.

I looked at her.  
I don't know, but somehow I had the feeling to have to protect her.

"Say, don't ya parents worry 'bout ya?" I asked her and sat down next to her.

Claudia shook her head and said, "No, but I think, they know that I'm fine."

I didn't know what I should think of it and I supposed she really wouldn't say anything more.  
I watched her while she looked into the nightly sky with a mysterious smile.  
And while I watched her like that my thoughts wandered to Johnny...

"Why are ya lookin' at me that way, Ponyboy? What are ya thinkin' of?" she asked all of a sudden, the face still turned to the sky.

I lied to her, "I just was thinkin' that it even soon would be time for ya to go home, don't ya think so, too?"

"No, not yet…"

"But it's already pretty late." I contradicted her.

"That's true, but what about ya? Don't ya brothers worry 'bout ya as well, where you're stayin'?"

"How do ya know that I've got brothers?" I asked her surprised.

Have I told her perhaps something about them?  
Nope, that can't be!  
I guess not, have I?

Claudia shrugged again and finally turned her face away from the sky and looked me straight into my eyes.  
"I don't know it just was a thought."

I took a drag on my cigarette and glanced at my watch.  
Was it really that late?  
I couldn't believe it!  
It was almost eleven and so it was also too late to go to the movies now.  
How could time go by that fast?  
It didn't seem so long time ago to me since I met Claudia.

"You're right. It's really pretty late for me and probably my brothers are really gonna worry 'bout where I'm stayin'. That's why I'm gonna go now." So I got up and looked at Claudia expectantly.

If I really would have expected that she would regard this as signal to go home as well, then I was wrong.  
She kept on sitting on the bench motionless.

"Don't ya wanna go now as well?" I finally asked.

I couldn't leave her behind here all by herself after all.

"If ya go now, then I go, too." she answered me.

Somehow I don't know what to make of that girl.

"Well, that's a start at least. I'm gonna go now." I decided.

"All right. Then it's time for me to go now, too." Claudia said and got up as well.

Have I ever mentioned that I find this girl a bit _funny_?  
No?  
All right, then I have said that now with this!  
I watched her to get to know something more about her, but she said nothing more.

"Ok, if ya go now, I'm gonna go, too." she repeated then.

"Are ya sure that ya really wanna go home alone? Shall I accompany ya up to there? Somethin' could happen to ya on the way..."  
Did I really sound that worried as Darry or one of the others from the gang?  
Well, I wouldn't in any case that something's gonna happen to her.  
I was worried about her.

"No, that's ok like this. Nothing's gonna happen to me!" she assured me.

Oh, these words seemed very familiar to me!  
They sounded like my own.  
It seemed to me that we probably were pretty similar at that point.

I looked at her skeptically.  
She was a girl, a little girl.  
It could happen so much more to her than to me.  
I still could fight a bit against Socs at least, but a little girl?  
She wouldn't have no chance against Socs.  
But would the Socs really be that heartless, unscrupulous and cruel and jump a little girl and also beat her up that bad as they had done it to Johnny?  
In the momentary hate of the Socs for us greasers I even would believe them to be capable of it.  
But I don't know!  
I don't know nothing at all!

But suddenly there came something to my mind: Claudia didn't actually look like a greaser.  
You recognize another greaser right away if you are a greaser.  
You just recognize _your kind_, I don't know why, but that's just like that.  
But she didn't look like a greaser.  
Of course, she apparently was younger about several years than most of the greaser-girls in that neighborhood, which put on very flashy make-up, curse very much, smoke and normally are pretty _odd_.  
But you also recognize younger greasers; anyway a greaser would recognize it/them.  
But I didn't recognize no greaser in Claudia.

And she probably was also none of the Socs.  
Then she would be on the wrong side of town, anyway.  
And before I would get into it too much I decided that she probably would belong to the middle class, what wouldn't explain though why she was in our greaser territory.  
But I wouldn't think about that any longer.

"Ya don't need to think about it! Don't worry! Neither 'bout me nor 'bout others that ya love or have loved." Claudia's gentle voice interrupted my thoughts.

I frowned.  
This kid seemed somehow a bit creepy to me!  
She seemed to know so much but still gave nothing away.  
I wasn't scared of her though, but something was the matter with her.  
I just didn't know yet, what it was!

"Ya really should go now!" she said determined to me when I said nothing to it.

"Sure. But what about ya?"

"I already can take care of myself." she replied. "Nothing's gonna happen to me, I'm quite sure of that."

I had certain doubts about it, though I didn't bring it up.  
I wouldn't worry her.  
She didn't seem to know at all in which dangerous area she was!

And I couldn't understand that her parents apparently left her here all by herself that careless.  
Didn't they care what their daughter's doing and where and above all with whom she's staying?  
This made me angry.  
And it reminded me of Johnny's parents.  
They didn't care about it at all what Johnny was doing.  
_Gee, why did I just constantly think of Johnny again today?_

And there I suddenly realized - I don't know though how I came of it all of a sudden - that Darry and the others love me and also care for me and worry about me and that's why they behave towards me the way they do.  
They only would protect me!

"I'm comin' home safely! Just see that you're able to it as well!"

I was surprised about the self-confidence of Claudia when she's talking.  
Before I could say something she turned away and was about to leave.

I just had to ask her, "Are we gonna see us again?"

She turned around to me.  
I could see her smile in the moonlight.

"If ya wanna it, you're gonna see me again." she replied and turned around again.

Then she walked away; disappeared that fast and quite soundless as she appeared.  
I stared behind her, confused, until I couldn't see her any longer.  
Shouldn't I perhaps go behind her and take care that nothing's gonna happen to her?  
But it even was too late for that.  
She already was gone.  
That's why I turned around with a shrug and walked in the direction of my home.


	4. Wait for an answer

**4. Wait for an answer**

Darry's POV

I was cleaning the last remains in the kitchen when I heard the porch door and shortly after that the front door.  
A look at the clock said me that it was only twenty past eleven.

Who could that be?

Soda and Steve went out and probably would still stay away a little, Pony would go to the movie house and this would just be finished at half past eleven and Two-Bit screwed around who knows where.  
Maybe it was him?

I went into the living room to see who it was and was quite surprised when I saw Ponyboy.

How come that he was home even sooner than he's actually allowed to stay out at the latest?  
On weekends I allow him to stay out till twelve.  
And now where he's got summer vacations he's allowed to stay out also within the week a bit longer than on school weeks.  
And normally he always uses this time...

"Hey Pony, what are ya already doin' here? Weren't ya perhaps in the movies? Where have ya been?" I asked, because I would know what was going on.

He looked at me and he already opened his mouth to answer me.  
And I could swear that he almost would have said as a habit that he would have been out with Johnny.

I watched him waiting and I could see on his face that he considered if he should tell me or not.

"Nope, I wasn't in the movies. I went to the lot and somehow I got stuck there. I... I met someone there." he said.

He met _someone_ there?  
That's interesting.  
There I already was curious and was about to ask who he has met when he kept on telling, "It was a girl. Her name's Claudia. I talked with her a bit. She doesn't seem to be here that long yet. And apparently she ain't a greaser. I don't know."

I wouldn't appear too obtrusive, but I was interested in it though.

We were permitted to read Pony's essay when he has finished it.  
And it made me a bit sad and thoughtful that Pony really supposed I would like to get rid of him and wouldn't love him.  
And yeah, I was disappointed about it as well!  
Who wouldn't be?  
I mean, we're brothers...

Anyhow that's why I try to listen to him much more and to take an interest in him, his thoughts and feelings.  
Even though I'm a bit harsh to him and secure that he gets good grades in school and everything, I still love him.  
He's my kid brother and since the death of our parents I somehow have taken their responsibility for my both brothers as well.

I wanna hold this family together.  
They ain't supposed to live in a boy's home.  
I couldn't get myself to put them into some foster home.  
I love them too much for that!  
These two are the only thing what's left of my family to me.  
I couldn't bear it to lose them, too.

"Where's she from?" I finally asked.

As brother and legal guardian for Pony and Soda I'm interested in what my brothers do and with whom they associate.

And when Pony's talking about a girl it's just naturally and also something like my duty to go into it closer to get to know how's their relationship.  
I don't mind by no means if Ponyboy would have a girlfriend.  
I really don't grudge him it, honestly!  
I only wanna be sure who she is and see how she is.  
That's all!

Besides I welcome pretty everything what hasn't got stamped the name _Shepard_ on it.  
I don't like it very much when Pony does something with Curly.  
He is - as Ponyboy has written in his essay - really a little Mini-Tim and a pretty dangerous company for that reason.  
But I can tell Pony my doubts again and again; it's as if I would talk to a wall, which probably would give me back more than Pony.

"No idea. She hasn't told me and I also didn't ask." Pony answered and yawned. "I guess, I'm gonna go to bed. When's Soda gonna come home?"

"I don't know, but I guess, he's gonna come soon as well." I replied and glanced again at the clock: half past eleven.

"Ok. Well, I'm gonna go. Good night."

I nodded and replied, "Good night, Ponyboy. See ya tomorrow."

Then he turned away with a wave and went into his room.

I sighed and kept on tidying up the kitchen and went to bed as well.

Today it has been a quite hard day again but the house I was working on should be roofed as soon as possible.  
And if we wouldn't be ready till then meant this for me that there would be less money and I just couldn't afford that.


	5. Yesterday was today only tomorrow

**5. Yesterday was today only tomorrow**

Pony's POV

When I walked into the kitchen the next morning Darry and Soda already were having breakfast.

It looked like as if Darry would have done the breakfast, as actually every morning.  
This meant that Soda and I had to do the washing-up, also as usual.

"Good morning." I greeted my both brothers and sat down at the table.

"Good morning, Pony." Darry and Soda said at the same time.

Soda had his mouth full and still looked pretty tired.  
He probably came home late, I haven't heard him anyhow.  
But he grinned at me.

Darry put a plate in front of and I thanked him for it.

I hardly have started when we heard that the door was opened and a double "Hello" already was coming to meet us.  
The remains of our gang: Two-Bit and Steve.  
Now we were complete again - no, that's impossible!  
We could never be really complete again; it was the remaining rest of formerly 7.  
Only we 5 are still left...

I shook my head.  
I wouldn't think of Johnny and Dally again.  
I'm doing that already too much recently.  
Someday I have to forget them and I admire the others how they succeed in that.  
Anyhow, ya can't see their grief.

And to suppress the thoughts of the both I fixed my attention towards the happenings around me again and listened to the talks of the gang.

Darry was turning to the both, "Ya probably seem to come here always just at the moment when we have breakfast, don't ya?"

"Of course. We always lie in wait until it's time at ya for it." Steve replied.

"Exactly. But we rather come at the times when ya have cooked. We're never that sure at Soda's art of cooking if you're also always able to eat that or if ya ain't gonna die of it though."

"Hey, Two-Bit, y'all always survived it up to now. By the way my both brothers are rather the ones that have to taste my dishes at first. And they seem to stand a lot." Soda said and cocked an eyebrow.

"Ha! I suppose ya still have to practice that a bit, Curtis. I'm better in it." And as a proof Two-Bit cocked his eyebrow, too.

But Soda didn't put up with that and then there was an _eyebrow-cocking-contest_ in full swing.

I had to grin about it and Darry meant with a shake of his head, "Ya both are like little kids!" And turning to Steve he asked, "Ya wanna eat with us now or not?"

"Well, I don't know how Two-Bit and Soda think 'bout it but I'm hungry." Steve answered and sat down next to Soda on a chair with a thud.

"At least one, who's reasonable." Darry sighed, acting dramatically, and looked at Soda with that.

"Of course! Someone has to take care of arrangements at the gas station while Soda attracts all girls." Steve praised himself.

"Sure, Steve, sure..." Soda doubted grinning and turned towards his buddy.

"Yeah, I won!" Two-Bit was pleased.

"Nah. I've let ya win though. How it's called again: the bright one gives in?"

"I don't care. I regard it as my win anyway." he meant shrugging and sat down beside me.

He smiled at me and I smiled back.  
I really like Two-Bit very much.

We ate our breakfast in silence a while.  
And I felt that silence pretty reassuring, to be honest.  
When everyone has finished I got up and cleared the table while the others still were talking with each other.  
I didn't feel like to take part in their talks, that's why I already did the washing-up; a thing what I normally do quite unwillingly.  
But it's just a rule with us that, when one has cooked, the other two have to do the washing-up.  
And today I didn't mind at all.

I even was very glad that I could do something.  
So I wouldn't have so much time to think at least.  
I thought that anyhow, but it wasn't this way though!  
Because just while I did the washing-up my thoughts wander a bit...

"What y'all wanna do today?" I heard Darry asking after a while.

I winced and hoped that the others haven't caught that.  
I probably was a bit too much absorbed in thoughts and I would pull myself together now.  
But I also wasn't particularly that interested in what the others have planned, honestly said, because they're also always doing quite the same.  
That's why I also didn't listen again any more.


	6. The memory remains

**6. The memory remains**

Pony's POV

"Pony?"

I winced again when Darry's voice broke into my thoughts another time.  
I turned around and asked surprised, "Huh?"

Darry watched me a moment before he repeated his question, "I've asked ya what ya wanna do today."

I thought a moment about it.

"Um, I don't know yet..." I answered then.

"You're gonna meet this girl, this Claudia, again?" Darry kept on asking.

I looked at Darry surprised while Two-Bit and Soda repeated Claudia's name at the same time and looked at me quite surprised as well.  
Only Steve didn't say anything but just looked at me with a half-hearted interest.  
And in that moment I was extremely grateful to him that he hasn't said anything again.

Only Two-Bit couldn't stop his curiosity once again and asked right away, "Claudia? Is this perhaps ya girlfriend, Ponyboy?"

I sighed, cast a short and quite angry glance to Darry, and turned around completely.

If Darry and I would have been alone I would have said something unfriendly to him, but because Soda was here with us I let it be.  
Darry and I keep to the promise we've given to Soda and argue only very rarely, anyhow when Soda ain't close by.  
Once when he wasn't there though, it simply could happen that we both forget our promise and still argue nearly as in former times.  
Darry doesn't leave me alone and I don't see why I should put up with everything from Darry.  
But actually it was good that Soda was here now and I had to pull myself together.

"Well, _firstly_ I don't know if I'm gonna see Claudia again, 'cause _secondly_ I don't know where she lives and _thirdly_ no, she's not my girlfriend. Any other questions?" I asked already a bit mad and I hoped they would notice my hint that I wouldn't talk about it.

But how should it be any differently: they didn't get it or maybe they wouldn't get it, I don't know.

Anyhow Soda asked, "She's nice at least, ain't she?"

I really hoped that Soda would get it at least and drop this topic.  
But I really was wrong.  
He's just too curious...

I rolled my eyes and answered, "Well, anyhow she was yesterday. I met her only yesterday for the first time and who knows if I'm gonna see her another time and by the way..."

Two-Bit interrupted me, "Well, but she still could become ya girlfriend then, couldn't she?"

I cast also an angry glance to him and continued, "...by the way she's a few years younger than I am, I guess. I evaluated her at about 12 at best anyhow."

"Well, that's a reason, but no bar." Two-Bit couldn't help but saying.

And I slowly began to lose my patience.

"Aw, come on. Leave him alone!" Steve said all of a sudden and came unintentionally to my help with that.

And in this moment I was more grateful to him than before.  
My hero of the day, um, or rather just of the hour, ya don't have to exaggerate it like that!  
Though I wouldn't have told him that never ever!  
And so the others let off of me as well and I was relieved and turned towards the washing-up again.

When I finished it I walked to my room.  
I literally sensed the partly worried glances of the others in my back when I walked away without talking much.  
And I also could imagine their conversations about me where they talk about how much I changed since the 'accident' and how I would have shut myself off to them more and more.  
And I can guess as well that Steve would say something again and Soda would stand in for me and stick to me then.  
And Darry would consider dragging me to all psychiatrists, who should help me to deal with my grief.

_Do you really think I would rather talk with them than with ya?_

And then they would talk about what else they could do to help me.  
But that would lead to no result.  
That's all very well, but ya don't help me with that not one bit.  
I need time; time ya maybe won't or can't give me, 'cause it maybe could last for ya too long.  
But what shall I do then?  
I just can't forget them that fast and easy as you do - anyhow as you pretend to make it - and simply live on as if nothing has happened.  
I don't even know by myself what could help me, how should you know it then?

In the meantime I arrived at my room.  
Then I took a book and started to read.

I really would have liked to read _Gone with the wind_ once again, but I still couldn't.  
It was still much too early, because the memories related to that book still were too painful.  
Maybe I'll make it sometime again to open it without grief and read in it as I've done it in former times before the whole disaster.  
It doesn't work yet.  
And it probably wanna last quite a while until I'm ready for it.

Soon I was so busy with reading that I didn't notice at all how fast half of the day went by.  
Just when Darry called me for dinner I put my book aside.


	7. Keep the faith!

**7. Keep the faith!**

Pony's POV

I read a bit after dinner.  
But I couldn't concentrate on the book any more, because I thought about the meeting with Claudia.  
She seemed to understand me somehow, although we've met each other only yesterday.  
But who knows if we're gonna see us once again at all...

What did she say?  
Something like _if I would like, we're gonna see us again_, right?  
How did she mean that?  
Where should she know if I would like it and even if I would, how's she gonna know it then?  
I had no idea where she lived and I guessed she didn't know as well where I live.  
Perhaps she lived near the lot, so that she could see when I was there again?  
But how high was that possibility?

I thought about it and then came to the decision that I would like to see her again.  
We seemed to be alike, as I could say that from our first meeting anyhow.  
And I would like to be friends with her, even if she seemed to be a few years younger.  
I didn't mind at all.  
The age is not the most important thing, I think.

And also her social standing shouldn't keep me from it.  
Even if she would be a Soc, what I didn't really believe though, it wouldn't be any reason for me not to be friends with her.  
I didn't know though what Claudia would think about it.  
And the only chance to find that out was to ask her straight about it.

I would like to have her as a friend, though not the sort of _friend_ Two-Bit and Soda thought of.  
Can't you perhaps be friends with a girl just like that, without regarding her as your girlfriend right away?

I would like to have her just as my friend.  
To have someone you can talk to, one you can tell your fears, wishes, dreams.  
Someone you can laugh with and also cry, one you can trust.  
Just a friend, like Johnny was for me!

I need such a friend like Johnny, because Johnny had been my best friend.  
He understood me as no one else.  
I even haven't entrusted Soda with so much, than with Johnny.  
He knew me!

And since Johnny wasn't here any more there was nobody left I could talk about everything, who was just a good buddy for me.  
Sure, I always could come to Soda with my problems and also Darry was interested in me more now, but they are my brothers and just not my friends.

Though, I still know a few other boys I get along well, but to neither of them I'm that close as to Johnny!

And there such a little girl appeared and I felt connected to her right away somehow.  
She also reminded me of Johnny anyhow.  
And that was also secretly the reason why I would like to become friends with her.

I still read a bit in my book, but the interest in it went down a little.  
Sometime I got up and searched for Darry.  
I found him in the living room, reading the newspaper.

I stepped in front of him hesitantly.  
He didn't seem to notice me at first and I already would go again when he looked up once.

His expression changed from surprised to worried and he asked right away, "Hey Ponyboy. What's the matter? Everything all right?"

I answered him, "Um, yeah, I'm fine. Darry, may I go to the lot?"

"What? Now?"

I nodded.

"You're gonna meet Claudia there?"

I hesitated.  
Then I nodded again.

There was no use in lying to Darry.  
He would find it out anyway.  
That's why I better told him the truth right away, although I wasn't that sure if Claudia really would come there, too.  
But I rather didn't tell Darry that.  
He only would be worried again and I would spare him that and myself, too.

Darry was the one who hesitated now and I already prepared myself mentally for the disappointment of his prohibition.

But to my surprise Darry said, "Ok, ya may go, Pony!"

"Thanks, Darry." I smiled at my brother gratefully.

I was about to leave to get my jacket when Darry called me, "Pony."

I turned around slowly.

"Please ask Claudia if she likes to drop in for today's supper. We also would like to get to know her."

I didn't like this idea and I didn't know how Claudia would react to it.

But to avoid further trouble I replied, "Ok. I'm gonna ask her."

Darry nodded and smiled contented.  
Then I really turned to go and disappeared shortly in my room to get my jacket.  
Then I walked in the direction of the front door.

"Oh, Pony." Darry called me again.

"Yeah?" I asked unsure.

"Please don't come home too late."

"Sure thing, Darry. Bye."

"Take care and have fun."

"Yeah. Thanks." I replied and walked out quickly before Darry could change his opinion.

So I went to the lot and hoped that I really would meet Claudia there.


	8. I’ll be right here waiting for you

**8. I'll be right here waiting for you**

Pony's POV

When I reached the lot I found it abandoned.  
I was a bit sad.  
But what had I expected?  
That Claudia suddenly would show up, although she couldn't know if and when I will be here at all?

I shook my head and was about to turn around again when I heard my name.  
I turned towards the direction the voice was coming from.

And there Claudia really showed up and smiled at me.  
I couldn't help smiling at her, too.

"Hello Ponyboy. How are ya?" she asked and came towards me.

"Hey Claudia. Nice to meet ya. I'm well and ya?" I answered her.

"It pleases me to hear that. I'm fine, too."

We were silent for a few minutes before I admitted quietly, "I wouldn't have thought that I'm really gonna see ya again."

Claudia replied smiling, "I had said if ya wanna see me again that we're gonna see us again then!"

"Well, anyway I'm glad to see ya again." I answered quickly, not showing her my confusion about it.

There Darry's _request_ came to my mind and I considered how I could start this subject skillfully without acting obtrusive right away.

"Um, Claudia, my brother approached me to ask ya if ya would like to come to us for supper today, so that my brothers and my other friends are able to meet ya, too."

_Gee, did I really sound like a complete idiot?  
What should Claudia think about me now?_

"It doesn't seem to be all right for you, does it?" she asked me.  
She probably read my opinion about it from my face, because she replied without waiting for my answer, "Please don't regard me as ungrateful now, Pony, but I think that it's still a bit too early to introduce me to ya brothers and friends, 'cause we don't know each other that long. That's why we should get to know each other better at first before ya introduce me to the others. What do ya think?"

She expressed exactly what I felt.  
That's why I only nodded.  
With that this subject was done for both of us in the first place, to my relief!

We talked quite a while until I noticed that I had to go home again to avoid that Darry's gonna fuss unnecessarily.

"I'm sorry, Claudia, but I've to go home now."

"Ya don't need to be sorry 'bout that, Ponyboy. It's all right! I understand it, honestly! I don't wanna as well that ya get trouble with ya brother."

"Thanks! Um, we're gonna see us again?"

"Yeah, if ya want to!"

"Um, ok. What about meeting here again tomorrow?" I asked.

Claudia smiled and replied, "If ya wanna, I don't mind. I'll be here!"

"Ok. Shall I bring ya home?"

Claudia shook her head. "No, ya don't have to. Ya only would be late this way. It's ok, when ya go home right now."

"Sure?"

"Yeah, don't worry 'bout me. I can handle it." she said and smiled again.

I've rarely seen someone, who smiles so much like Claudia.  
Unfortunately, that's pretty rarely in this neighborhood.  
Greasers don't show any feelings!  
They don't cry, they don't smile, anyhow not such a warm smile.  
The only smiles most greasers _stoop_ to, are either as false as it just can be, scornful or a put on inviting smile from greaser-girls.

And I haven't seen no greaser smile so heartily.  
Even Soda's smiles are often only covering his fear, grief, problems and confusions.  
I got that since his outburst at that time when the thing with Sandy happened.

"Well, then until tomorrow." I said goodbye and waved to her.

She waved back.  
Then I turned around with a contented smile.  
When I turned around once again Claudia already was gone.  
So I walked home again.

Darry was a bit surprised that I haven't brought Claudia along, but he understood her attitude towards it and accepted it.


	9. Emotional wounds

**9. Emotional wounds**

Pony's POV

The next day actually passed by as all the others: I got up, ate something, did the washing-up, went on reading in my book and even painted a picture once again.  
Anyway, it wasn't that much what I did.  
I had my summer vacation that's why the days were more or less all the same.

And there I really didn't do something with someone, I often was alone; sometimes I didn't mind, sometimes I did.  
Maybe except with Curly, but I know that my brothers don't like it that I hang around with him so much.  
They're even right that I could get into trouble, when I often hang around with Curly.  
Even the name _Shepard_ stands for trouble by itself!  
And trouble just ain't that what I imagine and want. Not at all!

There I notice very clearly that I'm missing my best friend I've done so many things with in former times.

Aw, in former times...  
That was a very long time ago. An eternity!

And in such moments I miss Johnny the most.  
But I can't change nothing about it.  
Unfortunately, he won't never ever come back again...

Directly after lunch I asked Darry if I'm allowed to go to the lot again around evening to meet Claudia there.  
He permitted it.  
And this time he didn't start to introduce Claudia to them.

In the late afternoon I went to the lot to be able to talk with Claudia a bit longer.  
On the way there I considered what I should do when she ain't there yet, because I would be there earlier than yesterday.  
I probably would have to wait.  
There wasn't another choice for me since I still didn't know where she lived.

But when I arrived at the lot I saw a person sitting on a log.  
And when I came closer I recognized Claudia.

"Hey, Claudia. You're already here, too." I stated surprised.

"Yes, as ya see I'm already here as well." Claudia replied and moved so that I could sit down next to her.

"How did ya know that I already would come here earlier? Do ya perhaps live near the lot or why are ya here that early? Ya perhaps didn't wait for me here the whole time, did ya?" I asked.

"No, don't worry. I didn't wait the whole time here for ya. I came here a while ago to enjoy the quietness. I think it's beautiful here. It seems that there ain't many people, who know and use that place. That's why I like it. Well, yes, I don't live very far away from here. And I didn't know that ya would come here earlier, but somehow I've even thought that. You've been here very often in the past, haven't ya?"

"Um, yes, I used to. Though not alone, but with my best buddy Johnny. The lot had become his home for him, 'cause he wasn't welcome in his parents' home. His dad beat him up and his mom ignored him. We - my brothers, my friends and I - were his true family." I said and looked sadly at the ground.

"And now this ain't possible any more?" Claudia asked, but it sounded more like a statement.

I nodded.

"Johnny died some time ago. I miss him so much...  
And even if the memory of him is hurtin' so much, I just have to return to that place over and over again.  
Over here, where he had spent so many nights, 'cause he wouldn't go to his parents' home. Over here, where we both went through so much. We've spent here several hours; have laughed and also cried together. But this ain't possible any more, 'cause Johnny's dead now. But I still like to come back to this place, even though it's hurtin' me.  
But I like that place; I find it also very beautiful and above all reassurin'.  
And every time I'm here, I get the feelin', Johnny still would be alive. He still would be here. I sense him here and that turns this place into somethin' very special for me. Here I can give myself to my grief all alone.  
And... oh, excuse me; I wouldn't burden ya with my problems." I suddenly interrupted myself.

"Hey, ya don't have to apologize for it and also not to feel ashamed. It's as a matter of course to mourn for a friend.  
And you're also allowed to it.  
Don't let nobody tell ya that you're not allowed to mourn for him!  
The grief's even necessary to cope with the events.  
But the sorrow must not become rampant. It must not drag ya down so far that ya forget ya own life 'bout the grief and don't live on any more. The loss of a beloved person is a very tragic thing, but though ya must not forget above it that ya still have a life by yourself, which you're allowed to - and also should - live. So, ya grief is entitled!  
And a good step to handle it, is to talk 'bout it. Believe me, this is really helpin'!"

I looked up and watched her admiringly.  
How did a perhaps 10 year old girl manage it to be that wise?  
Her answer gave me the creeps.  
And her words gave me a bit comfort though.  
They nearly seemed to me as if Johnny would have said them to me by himself, but this couldn't be possible!

I shook my head.  
I wouldn't indulge in my sad thoughts now, but enjoy the time with Claudia.

That's why I asked her, "Tell me, where do ya actually come from? Ya don't live here for that long yet, do ya?"

Claudia shook her head and replied quite hesitantly, "No, I haven't been here for so long. I've lived in a neighbor town of Tulsa until recently."

Ok, I already got it; she wouldn't like to talk about it!  
This move probably made her sad, because she had to leave her familiar surroundings and all her friends to begin a new life here.  
Maybe that's why she wouldn't like to talk about herself and her past.  
And I understood it and didn't push her to it.  
She should tell me when she was feeling ready for it.


	10. Seize the day!

**10. Seize the day!**

Pony's POV

I was about to say something when I heard some voices.  
_This almost sounded like the gang, didn't it?_  
I looked at Claudia apologetically and rose up to see if I was right with my guess.  
I walked towards the voices and short time later I saw Soda, Darry, Steve and Two-Bit coming towards me.  
_What are they doing here?_

"Hey, guys, what are y'all doin' here?" I asked, more annoyed than surprised, since they disturbed my privacy with their appearance in a way.

There it occurred to me that also something could have happened and they're in search of me for that reason.  
But that wasn't the case to judge by their faces and I calmed down a bit about it, because we've already received fuss and bad news more than enough lately.

"Hey, Pony. You're here, too? What a coincidence!" Soda already shouted to me and I could see his impish grin in spite of some distance.

As if they wouldn't know very well that I'm here!

"Yeah, of course I'm here, too! But what are y'all doin' here now?" I asked and went into his joke.

"We thought that we're comin' to visit ya, um ya two, and have a look after things at ya!" Two-Bit answered and cocked an eyebrow. He was grinning now, too.

I only shook my head.

"Don't tell the kid such nonsense! The only one, who would _look after things_, was you, Two-Bit!" Darry set right and gave Two-Bit a friendly slap on the back of his head.  
"We others were only comin' here to play a bit football. And there we thought if ya and Claudia wanna maybe play with us, too." Darry was turning to me.

There Claudia, who I've already nearly forgotten, came to my mind again.

"Well, as y'all are here now, I also can introduce ya to Claudia!" I said sighing and looked at that to Two-Bit and Soda, who both had to grin again.

"Ok. Well, Claudia, these are my both brothers Darry and Soda and these are my friends Two-Bit and Steve. Guys, this is..." I began, while turning around.

But I stopped in the middle of my sentence, because I was staring now at an abandoned lot.  
The log Claudia was sitting on just a little while ago was empty.  
And there wasn't also any other scrap from her.  
She probably would have gone when I turned towards the others and talked with them.

"She... she was here just barely..." I stated sadly.

I stared at the empty spot, disappointed and confused.  
I hoped she wasn't mad at me, because the gang appeared.  
She certainly was thinking now that I invited the gang over here so that they finally could get to know her once.  
She certainly would regard me as a traitor and couldn't forgive me that easy now.

But before my imagination formed further scenarios, Soda put an arm around my shoulders and whispered to me, so that only I could hear him, "Don't reproach yourself. It ain't ya fault that she's gone. We shouldn't have appeared here all of a sudden. Maybe this has frightened and distracted her. I'm sorry! But I'm sure that she doesn't let ya down completely. She certainly comes back soon again. You're surely gonna see her again. Come on, let's play football now!"

I sighed and then nodded.

I was glad that I still have Soda.  
He really understands me!

So we got the ball and played a bit football.  
Darry and I were one team and Steve and Soda the other.  
Two-Bit did the referee.

After the game we all went home exhausted, but contented and happy though.


	11. When shadows grow longer…

**11. When shadows grow longer...**

Pony's POV

The next day I even went very early to the lot again.  
There I met with Claudia again as I expected - or rather as I hoped.

"Hey, Pony." she already shouted towards me and waved.

I smiled and waved back.

"Hey, Claudia. Nice to meet ya. How you're doin'? Why did ya disappear that suddenly yesterday? Are ya perhaps mad at me, 'cause my brothers and friends came to the lot as well?"

I just had to ask her about it!

She smiled at me and shook her head.  
"Oh no, I ain't mad at ya at all. Why should I?  
I'm sorry that I just walked away without even saying goodbye to ya or introducing myself to the others.  
I wouldn't bother ya. That's why I thought, it would have been better when I would have gone."

"But ya don't bother!  
I'm sorry that the others have appeared, too. I didn't know anythin' 'bout it that they would come to the lot, as well.  
Please don't think that I've ordered 'em there, so that they would have the chance to see ya."

"Yeah, I know that ya didn't have invited 'em. Don't worry 'bout that.  
It ain't ya fault that they appeared as well and I walked away 'cause of 'em.  
That has nothing to do with ya! Ya ain't responsible that they came.  
It's just comprehensible. They just wanna know who you're meetin' with. They didn't mean to harm. They just wanna help ya and be sure that you're all right." Claudia replied.

"Sure!" I answered and I tried hard not to let show the anger about this _unintended disturbance_.

Anyhow, Claudia seemed to notice it, because she said, "Aw, Ponyboy. Try to understand ya brothers for once. They're worried 'bout ya! They wanna help ya and how can they do that, when ya don't let 'em help ya?  
Ya can't settle some things alone. Sometimes ya need help from others. And in such cases ya also should take the help, ya get offered completely voluntarily for purely love.  
Try to understand 'em. Maybe you'll see one day."

I thought a moment, before I answered her, "Ok, I'll try it. But I can't promise anythin'."

"Fine. Well, it's worth a try."

I nodded.  
After that we were silent a while.

"Oh, the sun's goin' down." I remarked suddenly, when I looked to the sky which already was reddish in the meantime.

"Yeah, right." Claudia said and looked into the sky as well.

So we both watched silently and astonished at the same time this pretty sunset.  
It was already a while ago, when I have watched a sunset that intensively for the last time.  
I've watched a few sunsets as well as sunrises lately - the latter rather rarely - but that happened more superficially.  
That was intensively for the first time again.

"_Nature's first green is gold,  
her hardest hue to hold.  
Her early leafs a flower;  
But only so an hour.  
Then leaf subsides to leaf.  
So Eden sank to grief,  
so dawn goes down to day.  
__Nothing gold can stay._" I suddenly heard Claudia quietly reciting beside me.

I slowly turned around and looked at her surprised.

"Where... where do ya know this poem from?" I asked whispering.

It has confused me so much, that I wasn't able to talk aloud.  
I wasn't even quite sure, if she has heard my question at all.

But she turned her head towards me and answered, "I've learned it from someone nearly one year ago. Though I don't know exactly any more who has taught me."

I swallowed hard, before I replied, "I... I've learned this poem in school. I've also recited it, when I've watched a sunrise. That was then... with Johnny. After that he said to me that this poem meant exactly, what he thought while watching this single sunrise. He never cared 'bout sunrises or sunsets before, until he has watched one with me..."

"Oh, I'm sorry, if I've reminded ya of Johnny with that poem again."

"Aw no, it ain't that." I replied and quickly wiped over my eyes.

"It's just that it's pretty funny that ya also think exactly 'bout this poem in the moment of a sunset. Ya don't meet someone who also likes to watch sunsets and also thinks 'bout that, as I do, every day. Above all it's pretty rarely in that neighborhood, if not even somethin' like unique, ya understand?"

"Uh-huh." Claudia only answered.

"Say, what 'bout goin' to the movies? I've still time until I've to be home again." I suggested after a while.

Claudia looked at me skeptically. "I don't really know..."

"It's also ok if ya don't like to. It was just a suggestion." I said quickly.

"Well, if ya don't mind to go there with me..."

"Why should I mind? Would I have asked ya otherwise?"

"I don't know, probably not, right? But..."

"What?"

"I, um, have no money with me..."

I laughed relieved. "Aw, if it's nothin' else... I'll invite ya."

"No, I can't take that."

"Yeah, you can! Don't worry. Sure we don't have that much money, but it's enough to invite ya to the movies though. It also ain't that expensive."

"All right. Thanks, Pony." Claudia said smiling.

"Not for that!" I declined and noticed that I blushed a bit.  
That's why I said quickly, "Well, let's go to the movies now, ok?"

"Yeah."

So we set off to the movies.  
And this time I preferred the legal way and not the illegal one through the broken fence I took with Johnny and Dally on that one evening, which changed my life completely.

So I ordered two tickets while Claudia waited patiently next to me.  
I didn't know why the clerk looked at me that odd when I paid the tickets and moved on with Claudia.  
I found it a little strange, but I didn't think about that any longer.

There were also a few Socs in the movies, who cast glances at us, which said clearly that they didn't like our presence very much and I really hoped that none of them would start a fight with us.  
I was a bit nervous near them and hoped that they and also Claudia wouldn't notice it.  
But I was lucky, because they didn't seem to be out for a fight so much today, since they left us alone.

After the movies I accompanied Claudia to the lot.

"Thank ya so much for that nice evening, Pony. And thanks once again that you've invited me." Claudia said when we reached the lot.

"You're welcome. It really was no problem. I also liked this evening." I replied. "Shall we meet us again tomorrow? I could show ya the neighborhood a bit; the park and everything. Ya got to know the movies today and ya already know the lot very well."

"I like to."

"Ok, then I'm gonna pick ya up here tomorrow, all right?"

"Yeah."

"Fine, then see ya tomorrow. Shall I see ya home?" I asked once again.

And as expected I got the same answer again, "No, it ain't necessary. I live close by here and nothing's gonna happen to me up to there."

"Ok, if ya say so..."

"Yeah, I say so!" Claudia replied smiling.

"Well, then goodbye."

"Yeah, till tomorrow. Aw Pony, why have ya actually been that nervous in the movies? Had it somethin' to do with me?"

Oh, she had noticed it!

"Um, no, it had nothin' to do with ya, but with the people at the movies." I answered her.

"What was with 'em?" Claudia kept on asking.

"I'll rather explain that tomorrow, ok?"

"Ok, as ya like, I don't mind. Good night, Ponyboy." she said, waved towards me and turned away.

"Good night, Claudia."

And I also walked home.


	12. Perils in the wind

**12. Perils in the wind**

Pony's POV

And as agreed, I went to the lot the next day to pick Claudia up to show her the neighborhood.  
I had not to wait for a long time at the lot until she came.

"Hey, Claudia. Are ya ready? Can we go?" I asked her.

She nodded.

At first I would like to show her the park.  
That's why I walked with her in this direction.  
I was quite reticent on the way there.

The park still was one of the few places where I don't like to go that much, since there were still memories - in this case very bad ones - on this place.

Johnny and I went over here in that one night, when I was hit by Darry; here we were jumped by the Socs later on; here I was nearly drowned by them in the fountain and Johnny had stabbed Bob here to help me.

Our fate ran its course here!

The memories of it, when I was ducked here into the fountain and when the dead Soc had lain at the ground then; these pictures always surfaced in me again at entering this place and I can't do nothing against it.

That place still hasn't lost its fright for me!  
So I doubted, if it was a mistake to come over here with Claudia or not.

"Ya would tell me somethin' 'bout yesterday, wouldn't ya?" Claudia was asking me.

"Oh, yeah, right. Sorry."

And so I explained Claudia the thing with the Socs and us greasers and what's going on between us at all and everything.

Then I added, "We had beaten the Socs after one of these rumbles, but that win didn't mean anythin' at all. It couldn't change the injustice between our groups. We're still the poor and the Socs the rich; it will always stay this way and nothing's ever gonna change it, no matter how many rumbles we do and also win. We'll always be at the bottom!"

Claudia listened with a dismayed face and said after that, "It's awful, when people make war 'cause of such little things and hate each other. There they're all humans; nobody's different than the other one. All just humans.  
It's sad, when people were expelled only 'cause of the money or the race, the color of the skin or the kind. There humans are all the same.  
The amount of money or the descent as well ain't decisive. I hope, the human race will understand that sometime, before they completely destroy their earth and themselves."

I nodded and was about to reply something, when I suddenly stopped frightened and caught sight of three figures coming towards us: Socs.

Claudia noticed it and asked me, "What's the matter, Ponyboy?"

"These are Socs." I even could whisper to her, before the Socs came directly towards us.

But before the Socs reached us, Claudia said, "Hey, y'all ain't here in ya territory. Ya know that, don't ya? Leave us alone!"

I was too scared to warn Claudia of provoking the Socs unnecessarily.

But the Socs didn't seem to take any notice of Claudia, because they came straight towards me and one asked sneering, "Well well well, what does a little greaser do here all alone?"

I still knew very well what happened last time, when I was jumped by Socs.  
I stiffened scared. I could neither move nor say something.

I considered desperately, what I should do now, how I could protect me and above all Claudia from the Socs.  
But my usually smart brain nearly didn't work in daily things at all.  
I just couldn't think straight. Everything was as deleted, blank.

There Claudia did it on her own initiative.  
I heard as she said to the Socs that they should go away and leave us alone.  
After that she insulted the Socs.

Just imagine this for once: a perhaps 10 year old girl insults the by far older Socs, which are also older than I am in addition, with such a self-assurance and firmness that it just was incredible.

I got the creeps and I didn't know if it was coming from fear or from Claudia's words.  
But that wasn't actually important, because Claudia's words didn't seem to propitiate the Socs.

One of the Socs came closer to me than they already were, and answered her, whereas he only looked at me the whole time, "Ya better shouldn't be that cheeky to us, damned greaser!"

Then the Soc swung back and punched my stomach.  
I wasn't ready for that and breathed out whistling while I held my stomach.  
_Maybe I should quit smoking, when already a single punch nearly knocks me out_, came to my mind.

And while my thoughts were after that consideration, Claudia said to the Socs, "Leave him alone, will ya? He hasn't done nothin' at all to y'all! If ya wanna jump a greaser, then choose one in ya high, one who also can defend himself!"

I writhed a bit and still held my stomach.  
That's why I didn't see the Soc drawing a blade.

The Soc replied threatening, "Ya better be quiet or do ya perhaps wanna end the same way as Bob or the other little greaser? Ya can have it if ya like!"

I murmured Claudia's name and finally looked up, because I feared that the Soc has meant that to Claudia and would hurt her now.  
But when I looked up, I saw the Soc standing directly in front of me, with a switchblade in his hand.

I stared at the blade fearfully and my fantasy ran away with me again in this moment: I imagined that this Soc would stab me the same way as Johnny had stabbed Bob in self-defense.  
They would let me bleed to death here and then they also would go after Claudia and kill her as well, since she witnessed then the murder of me.  
And then they would bury our dead bodies somewhere and Darry, Soda and also Claudia's parents would worry about us and search for us, but they wouldn't never ever find us, or then when we would be only skeletons...

The Soc with the blade came closer to me more and more and I backed away to avoid to come too close to the blade.  
But that was no use for me, because his both friends came towards me and seized my both arms, so that I couldn't back away any more.  
I would shout to Claudia that she should run and get help, but I couldn't. I couldn't bring out a single tone.  
So I just stared silently and a bit shivering for fear at the blade, which the Soc was holding against my throat with a sneer now.


	13. The truth, part I

**13. The truth, part I**

Pony's POV

This was too much for Claudia.

She cried out and insulted the Socs again, "Ya damned Socs. Leave him finally alone! Quit threatenin' him and stop opressin' his life unnecessarily than it already is without ya!  
Let finally rest the thing with Bob and Johnny. Forget ya hatred and ya revenge.  
Must there perhaps still be more bloodshed, more than it already was, so that ya finally realize that it's wrong, what you're doin' there?  
Even if you're richer, it is no reason at all to go around and jump greasers! Ya don't have no right for that!  
And even though greasers are poorer than you are, they still have somethin' ya don't have: friendship and cohesion!  
Greasers would fight for their friends and some even die for 'em, as Dally. They would stick together and defend the others.  
A Soc wouldn't never ever defend another one. He would only help himself, but never another one. They only fight for themselves and only see themselves, too.  
In addition they don't care 'bout no one. They don't care 'bout others, even if they would tell somethin' different to their 'friends'.  
But the truth's that they only see themselves and no one else.  
And there ya whole money is no use! Ya maybe can really buy expensive cars and other expensive things with it, but ya can't buy true friendship with money!  
To tell the truth, all Socs are just spoilt, little, lonely and scared young ones, who only hide behind their cars and money.  
And they only feel powerful, when they can beat up greasers, otherwise they're simply nothin'!  
The true reason, why the Socs jump greasers, is that Socs are jealous of greasers, 'cause Socs think that greasers simply are freer than Socs, since they wouldn't have so much duties and they're really _richer_ in a way!  
And Socs are just afraid that somebody - above all greasers - could find it out; that they could find out the truth 'bout the Socs one day. And Socs are behind greasers that bad for that reason.  
They wanna scare 'em and show 'em their power - which they actually don't have - and to cover their own fear."

And this time the Socs didn't seem to ignore Claudia's words that easy, because the Soc with the blade growled and narrowed his eyes furiously.  
But I could read slight horror in the face of the Soc.

And I guessed that Claudia has hit a weak spot with her words.  
Probably exactly that spot she would hit!

And I realized that Claudia even was right with her words!  
It was exactly that what constituted Socs, what they really think about us greasers and themselves.  
And now Claudia has found out this _secret_ and told them straight into their faces!

_If this doesn't involve something really bad..._, I thought and scolded Claudia mentally for it that she has set herself now on the black list of the Socs with that and exposed herself to danger unnecessarily.

But before someone could do something, Claudia continued.  
I noticed from the corner of my eyes that she rushed to the Soc with the blade.

It seemed to me as if everything would pass off in slow motion.

The Soc, who was attacked by Claudia, fell to the ground.  
There he dropped his blade down with shock. But he sliced my arm, which I lifted protectively in front of my face, with that.  
I was free again, because the other both Socs, who seized me, suddenly let me go and would help their friend to get up.

I winced, when the sharp blade cut into my skin.  
Then I got hit by an elbow of one of the both Socs against my forehead, when they rushed to their friend at the ground.

I tilted forward because of that blow.  
I spread out my arms intuitively to extenuate the impact a little, but I directly fell onto my hurt arm.  
I swore quietly with gritted teeth, held my slightly bleeding arm and looked up.

There I just got, as the two Socs helped their friend getting up, while staring at me somehow strangely.  
Was there perhaps also a sign of fear in their faces, perhaps fear of me?  
I didn't know!

And there the 3 Socs fled head over heels and left me here behind, bewildered.  
I groaned and closed my eyes, because a splitting headache was coming over me, which probably came from the Soc hitting my head.

_Ya apparently can't lump all Socs together, 'cause ya theory with the Socs doesn't seem to be quite right, Claudia_, I thought.

And there Claudia came to my mind again.  
At first I whispered her name, but couldn't open my eyes, because my head was hurting so much and everything was spinning.  
But I didn't get an answer.  
I repeated her name again and again, but I just didn't get any reply.  
And slowly I panicked.

Did the Socs perhaps have done something to her?

I tried to open my eyes and ignored the dizziness I felt.  
But I couldn't recognize nothing. Everything was blurry.

And so I couldn't detect, if Claudia was still around or not and in which condition she was.  
I had to close my eyes again, because my headache got worse.

Suddenly I heard footsteps and I feared that the Socs would have been returned.

But there I heard my name and recognized the voices right away: Darry and Soda and very likely also Two-Bit and Steve.  
They searched for me!  
I hadn't the needful strength to call their attention to me, but they found me anyhow.

I sensed someone kneeling next to me and shaking me slightly.  
On my other side I heard Darry saying my name.

I knew right away that it had to be Soda shaking me.  
Anyhow, I would be sure and asked quietly, "Soda? Is that ya?"

"Yeah, baby, it's me."

"Are ya all right, Ponyboy?" Darry asked me right away.

I was glad that Darry didn't ask what happened.  
He seemed to know that already.  
And I was also glad that he didn't reproach me again for that.

Is it my fault when the Socs enjoy jumping me?  
I guess that you can't reproach me for it!

Anyhow, I nodded as an answer and opened my eyes again.  
And this time my headache wasn't so strong any more.  
I tried to smile, what didn't work that great.


	14. Anybody seen my baby?

**14. Anybody seen my baby?**

Pony's POV

I couldn't see Steve and Two-Bit somewhere around.  
They probably chased behind the Socs, who were running to their car.  
I wasn't sure, if the Socs still would be here, but would be up and away with their car a long time ago, so that Two-Bit and Steve would run behind them in vain.  
As I said, everything seemed to pass off in slow motion for me and somehow I hadn't a feeling of time any more.

So it seemed like an eternity to me, until I thought about Claudia again.  
And that's probably why she wasn't here any more, because she ran away and got help: my brothers.  
But where did she know then from, where I live?

"How y'all actually found me? Has Claudia still made it to get help?" I asked my both brothers surprised.

They glanced at each other strangely and then looked at me the same way.

Darry answered, "Well, we heard ya screamin' and then we were runnin' over here right away. But we neither have seen nor heard from a girl. We only have seen the Socs runnin' away from here. That's why Two-Bit and Steve are after 'em."

I frowned and murmured, "But I haven't screamed at all. I even couldn't move for fear.  
The Socs had drawn a blade...  
They have cut my arm and one of 'em has hit his elbow against my forehead, that's why I was feelin' a bit dizzy.  
But now I'm fine again.  
I'm just worryin' 'bout Claudia. The Socs wouldn't get a hold of her and done somethin' to her, would they?"

Without waiting for an answer of my brothers, I tried to get up, what failed since I still felt a bit dizzy.  
I swayed a bit and would fall over again, if Darry wouldn't have caught me.

"Hey, hey, take it easy, Pony!" Darry reminded me, when he kept me from falling down.

But I didn't pay much attention to him and Soda, but looked around for Claudia, hoping to see her somewhere around, safe and sound.  
But I didn't see her!

"Pony, what's up?" Soda asked me worried.

I explained them that I watched out for Claudia, since she still had to be close by, if the Socs wouldn't have kidnapped her.  
I noticed the glance my brothers cast to each other again, but I didn't care about it. I only was interested in this moment, if Claudia was all right and where she was at all.

"Ponyboy, we really haven't seen no girl here. Only ya and the Socs. Nobody else!" Soda tried to convince me.

I was about to reply, when Two-Bit and Steve appeared.

"Hey, kid, ya feelin' better again?" Two-Bit asked and I could sense his concern in his voice.

Steve said nothing.

After I nodded, Two-Bit started to tell, "Golly, Pony, ya must have scared those Socs really to death! They were running, as if the devil would be on their necks! What have ya said or done that they're so funky?"

I looked at him surprised. "What ya mean, Two-Bit? I haven't done anythin' at all..."

"Well, Steve and I have copped these filthy bastards just in time, before they could hop into their super expensive car and drive off.  
Of course we _asked_ 'em, what they've done with ya. And there one of 'em murmured quite haggardly somethin' 'bout that they actually would beat ya up, 'cause ya seemed to be a pretty helpless victim to 'em.  
But ya would have fought that strong that they had as good as no chance against ya and there he promised spontaneous that they ain't gonna touch ya any more in the future. They would leave ya alone, 'cause ya had insulted 'em so bad and said a few other things he wouldn't tell us any more.  
They were even pretty odd, I've to say! Well, just Socs!" And he shrugged.

I have listened to him surprised and replied, "I'm supposed to have done _what_? This can't be true!  
I haven't insulted and attacked 'em. That was Claudia. She had insulted the Socs and attacked the one with the blade to help me.  
The Socs also had gotten that!  
So why do they assert then that I would have done everythin'?"

"Well, the Socs didn't say nothin' 'bout a girl. They only named ya! You've been alone, that's why the Socs would jump ya." Steve meant and lit a cigarette.

I just didn't understand that!  
Why hasn't nobody seen Claudia, let alone heard her?  
Above all, the Socs must have seen and also heard her, 'cause the Soc with the switchblade reacted to her words.

But just there it occurred to me that the Soc with the blade only looked at me the whole time when he answered to Claudia's words.  
He had never ever looked or spoken in Claudia's direction, only in mine.  
He only had looked at me, as if... as if he only would talk with me. As I would have said the words to him, as I would have insulted him, told them the _Claudia-truth_ and attacked him.

As if Claudia wouldn't have existed for the Socs and this wasn't because she was a greaser - a girl for that matter - but because she just wasn't _here_.

_But this just can't be true, I have seen her!_, I said to myself again and again.

Suddenly there a soft wind was rising and rustled in a pile of garbage a few steps away from us.  
The wind became a bit stronger and blew one of the old newspapers in the pile to us, directly in front of my feet.  
I looked down at the already yellowed and crumpled newspaper.

I looked at the page quite uninterested, until I came across a picture, which got my attention right away.  
I bent down and picked the newspaper up.  
I felt my eyes getting wide, when I stared bewildered at the picture, showing a person - a girl.

"That's... that's impossible! This just can't be true!" I whispered shocked.

"What's wrong?" somebody asked me, I didn't know any more who it was.

I pointed at the picture and the headline to it, which was: _Young girl died in a car accident._

Then I read the article below the photo with a trembling voice, "_In Broken Arrow, a neighbor town of Tulsa, a girl at the age of 12 was killed by a car crash which happened nearly one year ago.  
In addition, the man, who has caused the accident, had got drunk. He hadn't seen the girl, who was crossing a crosswalk, and had hit her.  
There the girl was dragged a few feet along, before she lay lifeless at the ground.  
An immediately summoned ambulance also couldn't do anything after resuscitations; she just died on the spot.  
The causer of the accident was only slightly injured.  
Legal proceedings were initiated against him concerning manslaughter through culpable negligence.  
The burial of the girl will be on..._"

There the report stopped, because the page was ripped.

The girl also died about a year ago, as Johnny did and also on the same day!  
Her name was: Claudia Jackson!  
Only pure chance?

"How... how can this be? This can't be true, can it? It never could have been the Claudia I've met the last few days! This can't possibly be! But it's definitely Claudia on the photo. I recognize her."

I just couldn't understand this!  
Hadn't Claudia been here with me in the end?  
Well, anyhow not her body, but only her ghost?  
Is such a thing possible at all?

"Come on, Ponyboy, let's go home. Then we can look closer at ya cut and see what we can do to it." Soda said to me and placed an arm around my shoulders, but I didn't really realize it.

I was still too shocked about the unexpected news.  
I nodded lost in thoughts and followed my brothers and friends.


	15. The truth, part II

**15. The truth, part II**

Pony's POV

I was confused, sad and shocked at the same time.

How could all this happen?

I was so confused that I went to bed right away.

And before I fell asleep the thought came over me that Claudia maybe really has been a ghost, because I doubted by no means any more that it was one and the same _person_, who I've met and who had died nearly a year ago.

And slowly most of the things made sense now: the fact that Claudia was at the lot nearly all the time, when I was there as well; the clerk of the movies, who gave me the two tickets, although he probably had seen only me and then the thing with the Socs.  
Of course they had to think then that I've been alone with them the whole time and that's why I have to be the one, who insulted and attacked them.

But what was about the poem?  
She probably also could read my thoughts in the shape she came to me.

And when I continued to think about it sleep came over me.  
In that night I dreamed, though it wasn't one of the nightmares I got once in a while.

I dreamed about Claudia and my dream felt as real as the last few days I've spent together with Claudia - or rather with her ghost.

She spoke to me in my dream, "I'm sorry, Ponyboy, that I suddenly wasn't there with ya any more when ya would have needed me the most."

And she looked at me apologizing.

I asked her in the dream, "Um, are ya really that, what I think you are? A ghost?"

"Well, some would call me _ghost_; other people would prefer to see me as a sort of _guardian angel_. And I rather would also answer to it that I'm a guardian angel. I was a guardian angel for ya, ya guardian angel, ya companion."

"Then it's really true..." I murmured.

"Yeah, I died. Almost a year ago, as ya already know.  
After the accident I was turned into a ghost or an angel, call it as ya like.  
And in that shape it was allowed to me to return to earth once more, to be a guardian angel, as in ya case.  
But I just wasn't allowed to visit and protect my own loved ones.  
So I was sent to Tulsa, to ya.  
But I only was allowed to stay with ya only 5 days and only show to ya, 'cause you're the one, who suffers the most from the death of a certain boy.  
The reason why I was allowed to stay with ya a period of 5 days was that you've also spent that period of time with the already mentioned boy. 5 days, the last 5 days in the life of this boy."

I stared at her and stammered, "Do... do ya really mean Johnny? My best friend Johnny?"

Claudia smiled and nodded. "Yeah, Johnny is the same as I am now. He wanna tell ya somethin' on that way."

So Claudia pointed behind herself into a turbid mist.  
And a figure appeared out of the white haze and came towards us.

I couldn't trust my eyes and that's why I asked bewildered, "Johnny? Is this really ya, Johnny?"

"Hey Pony! Yeah, it's me!" the figure greeted and stepped next to Claudia.

"Oh, Johnny..." I whispered and hardly could hold the tears back.

"Ya don't have to be sad, Ponyboy. Please, don't be sad. Everything's all right.  
I'm sorry that I can't be with y'all, with ya, any more.  
I'm fine now, although I miss y'all, and especially ya, Pony. But I'm loved now where I am.  
And I ain't alone. Good ol' Dal's here as well. He says _Hi_ to ya. He's completely different now than ya remember him.  
Gee, ya should see him! Ya wouldn't recognize him at first, honestly!  
He doesn't hate anyone no more and that's good.  
Dally and I see y'all from there where we are. We see, what you're all doin'.  
And we also see that our death, especially mine, affected ya more than the others and that you're still full of grief. This is also the reason, why Claudia was sent to ya.  
She should care 'bout ya and comfort ya. Yeah, she should help ya with ya grief.  
We know that the others cope with our death more or less, but ya don't.  
That's why Claudia should be by ya side in that time we've spent together before I died, 'cause I can't do it any more.  
She should help ya to cope with the grief and get over the loss, so that ya can live airily again.  
It doesn't do ya any good, when ya mourn for us, for me, the rest of ya life. Ya only run yourself ragged with it. You're gonna get pretty sick some day and I'd like to prevent that.  
Ya shouldn't mourn ya whole life, ya life is just too worthwhile for that. Ya should live airily again and above all laugh and enjoy ya life, even if we can't take part on it any more, at least not actively any more.  
But as I said, we can see y'all, so that we can take part on ya life though, we witness it as well, in another way though.  
And in addition to this Claudia should take care of it that the Socs don't do anythin' to ya any more. And she has done that today, too.  
Ya can be sure that the Socs ain't gonna come near ya. They're gonna leave ya alone once and for all in the future. They think of course that ya would have attacked 'em. They don't know anythin' 'bout Claudia.  
I would have liked to come by myself, but it wasn't allowed to me and also not to Dally to come to ya. We ain't allowed to go to our own loved ones any more, 'cause this would unsettle the bereaved and maybe give 'em false hopes. So Claudia had to do that." Johnny said.

And I remembered that this probably had been the longest sentence Johnny ever had said.  
And tears were running down my cheeks at this thought.

"Don't cry, Pony. Everything's gonna be all right." Johnny comforted me, as in old times when he still was alive.

He placed his hand on my shoulder and I was glad to feel his proximity once more, even if it only happened in my dream.

After some time Johnny meant to me, "I'm sorry, Pony, but ya slowly have to wake up again. This means, we must say goodbye."

I looked at him sadly.

"Ya don't need to be sad 'bout it. I and Dally are always gonna be with y'all, and I know that we're in ya hearts in any case.  
We're always gonna take care of ya and watch ya. You're really never ever alone. We're always with ya.  
I want ya to live again. There's no use to mourn on and on.  
Ya only make yourself and others unhappier than before with it. Be happy again.  
Forget what happened and just look forward. Ya don't have to worry 'bout us; we're fine.  
And don't reproach yourself. Everythin' in life has a meanin'.  
It also ain't ya fault, please remember that!  
We're gonna see us again sometime. One way of it are ya dreams. I wanna visit ya in 'em, if ya like.  
But until that day you're also gonna be as we are and come over here, I want ya to start to live again, as light-hearted and cheerful as ya used to be in former times. Carry on and live on!  
But don't forget us and don't think with sad feelings 'bout us, but remember us with joy.  
Please, Pony, promise me that ya wanna keep to it as soon as ya wake up!"

I sniffed and answered determined, "Yeah, Johnny, I promise! I'm gonna give my best to be, as ya wish. I'm gonna overcome my grief and live again. I'm just gonna look back in joy at the time with ya and don't sink in my grief any more. And I'm gonna do somethin' out of my life."

Johnny smiled at me and hugged me.  
I hugged him too and wouldn't have let him go never again, but I knew that he was right; I soon had to wake up from that beautiful dream and go into the reality again, where he isn't here any more, physically.  
He parted the hug gently sometime, smiled at me once more encouraging and together with Claudia he waved goodbye at me.

Then I woke up!

And a warm smile spread on my face, when I thought back at the dream.  
A smile, which I haven't shown so many months any more.

But I had comprehended it with that dream and I whispered quietly, "Yeah, Johnny, I wanna keep to the promise and live again and do somethin' out of my life!"

Then I got up and set off to cope with my grief over my best buddy in the end!

A step into a new life!

THE END

* * *

**A/N: Well, since we're not allowed to refer to single reviews in the story itself any more, I'm going to say itsubsumed** **at the end of the story:  
Thanks to all those who reviewed this story and also thanks to those who read it so far :)  
I hope it didn't sound cheesy or something like that  
and sorry once again for my bad grammar and the errors and so on, but as I said english isn't my native language...**


End file.
